On March 28, 2012, George James did a Ted Talk at the TEDxVillanovaU event. The talk is called The Power of Relationships! Click to watch George’s Ted Talk.

Click below to read!

May-December – George Talks – Ebony June 2012

By George James, LMFT

The recent Penn State child abuse scandal reminds us that child abuse is real and occurs at alarming rates.  According to national statistics¹, every ten seconds there is a report of child abuse.  Reported child abuse cases are categorized as follows: neglect (78.3%), physical abuse (10.8%), psychological maltreatment (7.6%), sexual abuse (7.6%) and other (12%)¹.  The Penn State/Jerry Sandusky case involves child sexual abuse.  When we see a low number like 7.6% for sexual abuse, it is easy to think that it doesn’t occur that often.  In reality, that translates to 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys who have experienced child sexual abuse.

Some boys and girls have experienced it more than once.  This means that within our families, places of faith, work places, educational institutions and social environments, if we were to count four women and six men, at least one man and one woman would have experienced child sexual abuse.  The one that experienced sexual abuse could be you reading this right now.  Unfortunately, we still ignore this problem.  We ignore what happens to our children, nieces/nephews, cousins, friends, and partners.

In the Penn State scandal, many people who had the opportunity to do something and protect children from being abused ignored the problem.  As a result, young children were sexually abused, with more people coming forward each day.  As a therapist, I’ve heard the same thing from my clients.  They felt they weren’t protected by their family members or at their place of faith, and as a result they were abused.

It is time for us to take responsibility for the safety of our children and loved ones.  It is time to stop ignoring this problem and recognize that it happens more than we realize.  The only way to change how frequently our children are sexually abused is if we protect them and stop ignoring the fact that this could and does happen.

In the following video, I share how this scandal occurred, why Coach Paterno and others ignored the child sexual abuse and what we can do to protect children from abuse.  http://youtu.be/26M8xvc3SOk

George James is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and CEO of George Talks, LLC.  For more on this and other topics, please visit www.GeorgeTalks.com,

Twitter: @GeorgeTalksLLC  Email: GeorgeTalksLLC@gmail.com

1. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children’s Bureau. (2010). Child Maltreatment 2009. Available from http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/stats_research/index.htm#can

By George James, LMFT

We expect a lot from athletes, from little leagues to professionals.  We expect athletes to perform at high levels, entertaining us with their physical ability and amazing us with their talent.  Unfortunately, we don’t expect athletes to be just like us, human.  We put athletes on a pedestal making them celebrities and above the normal rules of life.  This process starts at an early age.  It could be at a pee wee football or soccer game.  Our projections, that athletes are special, unique and gifted starts when they are young and continues as they develop their abilities and get older.

Some athletes have had people scouting them from high school and for others the process started in junior high or earlier.  As their fans, we want to see and experience their greatness and dismiss their physical and emotional limitations and pain.  As an athlete, we strive for the next level of accomplishment, to be the best in the sport or to win the championship, sometimes at the risk of our physical and emotional health.

The reality is that athletes are people too.  This means that athletes can struggle with the same things many people might struggle with throughout their lives.  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 1 in 10 people will experience depression within a given year, with higher numbers reported for women compared to men.  With these numbers, it is safe to say that you or a teammate could be depressed at some point during the year.  Just as it would be considered normal if you, a co-worker or family member became depressed, it would also be the same for someone from your favorite sport or team  became depressed.

Depression is one form of mental illness that you, I or an athlete could experience during our lifetime.  There are many other forms of mental illness including Mood Disorders (such as Depression and Bipolar Disorder), Anxiety Disorders (such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and General Anxiety Disorder), Substance Related Disorders (such as Substance Abuse and Substance Dependence), Personality Disorders (such as Borderline Personality Disorder) and many more.  However, mental illness is a subject that most people shy away from discussing, especially athletes.  Many view mental illness as a personal weakness, but it is not a sign of weakness or a personal flaw, it is a health issue that needs attention.

Tips for Athletes with Mental Illness

1)      You are not alone – Often times, the way you feel (such as sad, racing thoughts, hopeless, or obsessions) and the things you do to block feelings of emotional pain (reckless behavior, alcohol, pills or violent behavior) can make you feel like you are by yourself.  The truth is you are not alone.  In fact, some of your teammates or other athletes in your sport could be dealing with the same mental illness as you.  Since you are not alone, you do not have to work through this alone.

2)      Get the help you need – Admitting that you need help is a major step in the healing process.  Even though you are able to play through the pain, the longer you wait to get the help necessary, the more your mental illness will impact your life.  The longer you wait the more you will try to overcompensate and numb the emotional pain.  You go to your trainer or even the team doctor when you feel physical pain.  This shows that you are able to get help when you feel physical pain.  Getting help for emotional pain works the same way.  Therefore, whenever you feel emotional pain, you should go to see a therapist, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist.

3)      Your performance will improve – As an athlete, you are concerned about your performance, improving your skills and remaining competitive.  Having an untreated mental illness can impact your performance on the field/court as well as off.  An untreated mental illness can keep you from playing or increase your chances of getting fined or suspended when you are not playing.  Getting your mental illness treated appropriately can improve your performance on and off the field/court.

Athletes with Mental Illness*

Brandon Marshall, wide receiver in the NFL, was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Terry Bradshaw, sports announcer and former quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, has experienced anxiety attacks and depression.

Shelley Beattie, former bodybuilder, dealt with bipolar disorder during her life.

Ricky Williams, Miami Dolphins running back and former Heisman trophy winner, was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder after having trouble leaving his own house.

John Daly, professional golfer, has struggled with alcoholism, gambling and bipolar disorder.

Mike Tyson, professional boxer, before his public struggles suffered from depression.

Nikki Teasley, professional Women’s Basketball star and former MVP, admitted to living with depression.

Monica Seles, former World No. 1 professional tennis player, reportedly has depression.

Darryl Strawberry, former baseball player for the New York Mets and the New York Yankees, reportedly has bipolar disorder.

Greg Louganis, a Greek American diver who won back-to-back Olympic titles, reportedly has depression.

As you can see, many athletes from various sports have experienced mental illness.  Taking care of yourself, including your emotional health, is important for your overall health and wellness and can improve your performance in your sport.  Whether you are in high school, college or a professional athlete it is important for you to take care of your entire body, including your emotional body.  True strength is being able to get the help you need, even when it feels like the complete opposite of what you are used to doing.

*Source for Athletes with Mental Illness: Prisoners of Depression, L. Jon Wertheim, Sports Illustrated, September 2003.

By George James, LMFT

The summer is a time for warm weather, vacation, family reunions and weddings. Many couples plan their wedding during the summer and fall months. Planning a wedding can bring a lot of stress and drama to the couple. From deciding when and where to get married, to working on the guest list and to figuring out how you will pay for the wedding. Stress and drama can also come from what other people want for your wedding and from handling major conflicts such as faith, money or where to live after the wedding. It is possible to get the wedding you want and not have any drama, even with all the possibilities leading up to the wedding.

Here are 5 steps to getting the Wedding you want with no Drama. For more on each step, check out my interview (http://youtu.be/oDC1QPRnAgE) on how to have a Perfect Wedding, No Drama.

1) Design the Wedding Together – Discuss with your fiancé what you want and what he or she wants in a wedding. Before you bring other people in the discussion, talk it over with your partner. Get an understanding of what you both are looking for, design how you plan to make it happen and go after your vision.

2) Define and Discuss Boundaries – Once you know what type of wedding you both want, you can now discuss potential pitfalls and set boundaries. A pitfall could be people who can’t make it to the wedding who you want to be there, the overall cost, or family traditions that you like and dislike. Setting boundaries together helps to set limits on what will and will not happen in your wedding and in the process of planning the wedding.

3) Keep your Autonomy & Include your Family – Family members, especially parents, are excited and want to be a part of the wedding planning process. At times, family members want the wedding to be their vision and not your vision. It’s important that you keep your autonomy by sticking to your vision. You can make adjustments, include suggestions, but at the end of the day it should still be the vision you and your partner came up with.

4) Work through Major Conflicts – Major conflicts will come up, how you handle them can determine if you have drama or not. One major conflict could be around money, such as does giving money equal influence. If your parents are contributing to the wedding does that mean they get the final say on the guest list or style of the wedding? What role will faith play in the ceremony, especially if you are not of the same faith as your parents or partner?

5) Develop Healthy Ways to Handle Stress – Are you still having fun, going on dates or even smiling? What are you doing to handle your stress? Having someone you can talk to as a couple can be helpful in handling the many stressors of the process. Pre-marital counseling can be helpful with navigating the stress of the planning process as well as equip you with the skills necessary for a healthy marriage.

George James is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and CEO of George Talks, LLC. For more on this and other topics, please visit www.GeorgeTalks.com/blog

Twitter: @GeorgeTalksLLC

Email: GeorgeTalksLLC@gmail.com

By George James, LMFT

 The other day on my way to see clients, I heard Rihanna’s latest hit song “Man Down” on the radio again.  When I heard the song for the first time, I was pulled into the Caribbean beat.  I admit, the Jamaican in me connected to the music and I didn’t really hear the words.  Then I heard the song again. This time, I actually listened to the words and eventually saw the video.  It all made sense and I thought everyone understood the point.  I was surprised to see and hear how many people in the media shared their dislike for the song and video.  It is clear that the video contains strong violence and talks about killing someone.   In no way, am I saying that violence or killing someone is acceptable.  At the same time, many people missed the point.  Even though the title of the song is “Man Down”, the real point is “Man Up”!

As a man, as a therapist and as a father, I am tired of countless stories of men abusing, hurting and raping women.  In the video, (two people) had a connection. They had a good time, but he wanted more and she was ready to go home.  That should have been the end of the night and the end of the story, right? Wrong!  Regardless of how she was dressed or how sexual their dancing was, it was time for him to Man Up and do the right thing.  Until more men man up and hold other men accountable, what we saw in the video will continue to happen.

Too often as I interview clients, I listen to them discuss their experiences of violence and abuse in their relationships.  A client may come in because she is depressed and thinking less of herself because a man abused, assaulted or raped her.  Sometimes it could even get to the point where I have to make sure if my client feels safe going home.  I know, I know.  At this point, if you are a man reading this, you are tired of hearing about what other men have done.  I understand and I’ve been there.  There are many women who hurt, abuse or try to put men in a situation where he will act out.  At the same time, the numbers show that abuse and what we see in the video happens to women much more than men.  Regardless of who it happens to (famous, or not, man or woman, adult or child), abuse is abuse and no one should have to experience it.  One way to decrease the number of incidents of abuse is to expect other men to MAN UP and do the right thing.  No means no, so does stop, wait, not now, hold up or later.  They all mean no and that you should stop.

When will you Man Up?  When will you expect your brother, your son, your father, your cousin and your uncle to Man Up?  I know that thinking about this and even talking about this is not high on your list.  It’s not easy hearing about how we as men can be capable of such hurtful actions.  It might even make you think of someone you know (including yourself) who didn’t do what he was suppose to do at one point.  I realize you didn’t ask for this, but someone needs to say it.  The more we as men hold each other accountable and expect other men to man up, we won’t have to worry about women getting to the place where they take a man down.

If you haven’t seen the video, check it out but watch it from the perspective of Man Up, not Man Down.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEhy-RXkNo0

Twitter: @GeorgeTalksLLC  Email: GeorgeTalksLLC@gmail.com   

Is Sexting Cheating?



Recently in the news, we’ve seen and heard a lot about sexting because of various scandals including now former Representative Anthony Weiner. I’m often asked the question is sexting someone other than your partner a form of cheating? (See my ABC interview above, where I answer this question) Many people say yes it is cheating. Most if not all relationships would consider sexting someone other than your partner as inappropriate behavior.

The question is why would you want to or need to send sexually suggestive pictures to someone other than your partner? What are your intentions? What do you want to get out of sexting someone else? Your motives answer the question, is sexting cheating.

Most people who send such messages to someone else are usually looking for something to happen. Sometimes they want to know that other people find them attractive, sometimes they get a rush out of flirting with someone else and sometimes they want to have sex with the person. At the end of the day, is whatever you get out of sexting someone else, worth jeapordizing your relationship. If you are serious about your current relationship, sexting someone else can only hurt your trust, connection and intimacy.